How to Survive & thrive in the first year of motherhood: one mother’s celebration story
On this episode of the Learn With Less podcast, Ayelet sits down with Rachel Kammeyer, a speech-language pathologist, long-time listener of the Learn With Less podcast, regular attendee of Learn With Less® “parent & me” classes, and mother to William, who has just celebrated his first birthday at the time of this recording.
Ayelet says, “I’ve had the good fortune of getting to know Rachel over the last year, and I think her perspective, like all of the guests I bring onto the Learn With Less podcast, is one that can help us learn more about ourselves and our own experiences. I asked Rachel to be on today because her story is one that I think resonates with all of us, and her needs and desires as she grew into the incredible parent she is today, reflect exactly why I’ve created the resources you can find here at Learn With Less. I hope you’ll enjoy this great chat with Rachel.
QUICK LINKS FROM THIS EPISODE
Learn With Less podcast on iTunes
Learn With Less podcast on Spotify
Learn With Less® “Parent & Me” classes
Text transcript of this episode
Ayelet: Today, I am speaking with Rachel Kammeyer, who is a speech-language pathologist, a mother, and a long-time listener of Learn With Less. Welcome, Rachel!
Rachel: Thank you! This is great!
Ayelet: I’m happy that you are joining me today, Rachel, and I just wanted to sort of pick your brain about a few things, and about your transition into motherhood. So, let’s start there. Why don’t you give us the back story – what did life look like for you when you were about to become a mom?
Rachel: So, I was working at a skilled nursing facility, and for people who might not be familiar with that, it’s kind of like what we used to call a nursing home. So, I was doing a lot of rehab therapy. And then, when I was about 6 months pregnant, the company bought another facility that was way busier, and they decided to make me the sole speech therapist at both facilities.
So, around Christmas time, I was working 14, 15 hour days, and I would joke to my boss that I was going to carry this baby to term. I asked them to bring in more help – so eventually, we were getting more help, and then, like many things, it was feast or famine. So, I went from working these crazy hours, to, by the eighth month of my pregnancy, only working 3 or 4 hours a day. And I was not complaining, at all.
And then one night, I went to the bathroom, and I was bleeding. And it was… it was pretty significant, and it’s one of those things that, that late in the pregnancy, like, red flag, call the doctor right away. We went to the hospital, and I was having some Braxton Hicks-type contractions, but I was having a lot of them. And so, they were really worried that my uterus was just kind of freaking out, but I wasn’t dilated.
Ayelet: How many weeks were you at this point?
Rachel: At this point, I think we did the math, and I was like 33, 34 weeks, something like that. So late-ish, but still not quite to 38 weeks. So, they were like, “drink lots of water, we’ll give you a shot,” and they discharged me home. Well, I went to work the next day, and the nurses that I work with were like, “you look tired!” And I’m like, “well, I was in the hospital last night!” and they’re like, “what are you doing here?”
And, you know, part of it’s my work ethic, and part of it’s like, it didn’t dawn on me that I should take it easy because I already felt like compared to the 18-hour day, the 4-hour day was taking it easy! So then they saw me pushing a wheelchair, and they were like, “STOP.” And I was like, you know what? You’re right! I’m tired. I’m going to do some self-care, and I’m gonna go home.
I went home and I felt better, and then, some friends of ours were borrowing our truck. And they came by to pick it up, and my husband had ordered a pizza. And so, I went to the bathroom while he was pulling out, and there was more bleeding again. And I raced after him down the driveway, like, “hey! Come back, come back!”
Ayelet: As one does when they’re bleeding, and heavily pregnant!
Rachel: Right! Hehe! So then, I called his cell phone, and it was ringing in the garage, and I was like, “oh my god!” So then I was like, ok, I just very calmly packed my hospital go-bag, grabbed all our stuff, grabbed some stuff for him. Then when he walked in the door with the pizza, I’m like, “turn around, we’re going to the hospital, you can eat the pizza on the way!” And, basically, it was the same thing.
They didn’t really know, I was having contractions, maybe I was just… some capillaries were popping or something, but at that point, they put me on bedrest. So, I called my boss and said, I’m not coming back. And luckily in the state of California, it actually did not disrupt my maternity leave almost at all, because you get a few weeks here before you have your baby, in addition to the time you have after.
So, financially, it wasn’t a disaster or anything. But, you know, our house was full of Amazon boxes, the nursery wasn’t even painted… I mean, you don’t need a painted nursery when your baby comes, but you’re probably not going to paint the nursery after the baby comes! So, some co-workers came and helped my husband, they painted, and then, just one by one he knocked out the dresser, the crib – because when you register on Amazon for everything, it’s all gonna come in a box! There’s nothing that’s put together.
Ayelet: Right, it’s flat-packed.
Rachel: And he was amazing. I started struggling that first week with the idea of not being able to get up and do anything. I would try to get up and Dave’s like, “get back in bed!” Oh, I’m just going to the bathroom! And he’s like, “Yeah, that’s like the fifth time you’ve gotten up to go to the bathroom. Just go back!” But then, a week later, I discovered some really good Netflix binge-watching.
And it turns out that laying in bed for three weeks before your baby comes may be advice that I would give any mom. Because I relaxed, I slept, and it gave me a lot of time to think about what motherhood was going to be like, and really read the books on labor and delivery, and get a lot of knowledge that I could have to be prepared. And I’m really glad that it worked out that way, because when the time did come – almost two weeks after his due date – we were ready!
And we had a plan, and when things kind of got topsy-turvy with the doctor, we knew exactly what we wanted, and we were able to advocate and do what we needed to do, and everything came beautifully. William was born in 8 hours, with a natural labor and delivery, so it was really awesome. I learned that my husband is the strongest man in the world. And he caught William, so that was really sweet.
Ayelet: Ohhh! And then he was here! So, then what happened?
Rachel: So luckily-ish, I had thought I was going into labor a few days before. One of those nights, I called my mom and said, I think he’s coming! And they got in the car and drove from Texas to California the next day. But then, you know, the labor stopped, and they were like, well, we’re already in El Paso… we’ll just keep coming. So, my parents were actually already here, which we did not plan, but it worked out beautifully.
We developed a phrase called, “step and fetch.” And, I needed a step and fetch! I would sit down to nurse, and I didn’t have water! And I’m like, I need my water! And, I love my husband, but he’s from the kind of people that “settled the West!” – like, go get your own water! And it’s like, “I can’t – I’ve got this little human that’s like… I don’t know how long this is going to take!
So, my mom was amazing, and she would bring me my water – and I’m like, “please don’t ever leave, I’m going to need to be able to drink in six weeks!” But she stayed for a month. And, sort of to echo what Brooke had said also [in episode 57], she was singing from the very beginning to William. She had this beautiful like, “good morning to you…” and I was like, I’m never going to sing to William. Because, when I was in the fourth grade, I had a music teacher who said, “you can lip sync if you want, Rachel!”
From that point on, I knew that I had stage presence, but not necessarily talent! And I was really self-conscious, especially about the singing, because as a speech therapist, I knew I should sing, and I knew how valuable it was, but I really… I mean, this is a baby who literally knows nothing about anything, right? And I was embarrassed to sing in front of him for a little while. And finally, what ended up happening, is that I just started singing everything. It seemed like the most natural way to talk to him, because then talking to him just seemed even weirder than the singing part!
And then when I found Learn With Less, it was like, “oh! Ok! It’s great that I’m singing everything, and here’s a whole slew of other songs – oh and here’s someone with a beautiful voice so he can actually hear, like, what notes really sound like if he needs that! Because, kind of to skip ahead a little bit, after my mom left – she left the day that I started going to a play group through the San Mateo Parents Club, and, as extroverted as I am, I’m not really a joiner. I don’t really like groups, I’m not in clubs… I was on the Debate Team because that was an individual event.
But I knew that I had to do that. I knew that for my – I didn’t have any friends in San Mateo. We had moved here, and I started working in a town that was, like, 20 miles away. I knew nobody, and I certainly didn’t know anyone who had kids. My family was all spread out in the rest of the country. So, I went, and because I was one of the few moms who had planned to stay home from the very beginning, they asked me to be the playgroup coordinator for our age group. And that turned out to be really nice, but, I mean, when you’re meeting new mom friends, it’s like a series of blind dates!
And I was really sad, and I called my little best friends in Austin who I love, who are also speech therapists and also moms, and I was like, “I’m never gonna meet anyone as amazing as you!” And they were like, “well that’s not true, hang in there, but we’re here if you need us.” And just having that opportunity to be a little bit vulnerable about the struggle was really… it helped me relax a little bit, because I was so insecure about meeting friends, and I was so insecure about… there was this whole list of things I knew I probably “needed” to do. I knew I needed to sing, I knew I needed to meet people, and here was this deep chasm in my actual ability to do that.
And so, one of my plans became to “stalk” people on Facebook who looked like they could be speech therapists or therapist friends in general – because I tend to like “helpers,” and, you were one of those people! And then it turns out you had this amazing community! So, persistence! I so much opened up after that, because then… sometimes it just takes a little bit of success to feel successful.
And the family enrichment sessions were what I think I started with. And, I’m not going to lie, I have a hard time with podcasts. Like, I didn’t listen to talk radio, because it was a conversation that you couldn’t be a part of. And I always found that really frustrating as a very talkative extrovert. Like, you’d be in the car, and they’re talking about something, and you’re like, “I have – I wanna weigh in!” And so the live sessions were this perfect solution to that.
Where, there was the flexibility and if I missed it and I really wanted the content, I could hear it if I wanted to, but even better, I could be a part of that exchange, and have the questions answered, and talk to these experts at the end, and that access – to me – is worth its weight in gold. That’s just been awesome, because, for me, it’s opened up a chance because I wasn’t going to read any more books… Plus, I’m getting enough resources between the LAB and the bigger community of moms that I have now. I have more sounding boards, so it doesn’t have to be “go to the book first.” It’s “go to the book AND.”
Ayelet: Yeah! Can you talk a little bit about that – when you found Learn With Less, what were some of the things, in general, that it opened up for you? How did you find it?
Rachel: I think there was a post on Facebook about an upcoming session, and I was drawn to that, because, as someone with a speech pathology background, and someone who has been working with kids since I was 14 years old, I felt really comfortable in the mom role. I’d been waiting to be a mom for a really long time. But, what I was drawn to was that I knew what the evidence would suggest, but I didn’t really have a lot of tools for implementing it in my day-to-day.
And, I had primarily worked with adults, when I did work with kids, they were all over the age of three, and so, even just like playing with William, I had an idea of what it should be from a scientific standpoint, but what that would look like or how I could change the one thing I might know how to do to make it more interesting, day in, day out – especially if it was something that he particularly enjoyed, that was extremely valuable to me.
So, the family enrichment sessions have been my favorite aspect because there’s a nice structure. And then, there are things that are new and things that are familiar, and then you always give a way to change it based on following your child’s lead. I knew that that was critical, but then there’s also that bridge of, “ok, well I can see that you’re interested in this, what am I going to do with that information now?”
So, one example that I really loved was we have a digital picture frame. And William loved it! And, I was like, “Oh! He’s looking at pictures of the family!” And we could talk about it a little bit. And then you had – one of the things that I struggled with with William, he was not into reading. I didn’t even have story time as part of the bedtime routine, because he just wasn’t into it.
And the speech therapist in the back of my mind was like, “Rachel! You’re supposed to be reading to your child! You’re not reading to your child!” And then the, like, practical mom part was like, “he’s so not into it, it would be a waste of our time!” Like, he just wants to eat the book… and, he’s not even… like, I can put the book in front of him, but he’s not even gonna look at it! He wants to chew on something else, or go play with something else. And then there was this great live session about early literacy, and I was like, “yes! Ok, I’m going to come up with really good strategies!”
And then what I ended up learning was, oh, we’re already doing all the things that are age-appropriate! I can let this go and stop worrying, and look! The digital picture frame – that’s early literacy! [she lets out a big exhale] He – he likes books now, I didn’t have to make him like a book, now we can read, it’s good, and he’ll pick them up, and he still chews on them! Yeah, so, I really was drawn to the innovation. And you were doing a lot, I think at the time, you were doing a lot of like, “how to take one song and do it 3-4 ways.”
And you were, like, walking around your neighborhood, singing a song – the same tune! And when I was in 5th grade, you know, I wanted to write jingles for advertisers because I liked making up songs. And I was like, “this is so cool!” because, you know, I’m doing this already, and I’m not the weirdo! This is actually really good “evidence based momminess.” But, not just that, but there are a lot of other people who are probably coming up with really cool songs, too, and we can all share them with each other, you know?
So that, and then the other thing that I was really drawn to was that and then the flexibility – that William could come to the session. Because, I love that the parents clubs around here have, like, speaker sessions, but they’re in the evening, and then there’s like the childcare. And my husband is self-employed, and he has a crazy work schedule, and I support him in that, because that’s what allows me to stay home – so we have a really good trade-off.
But, it can be very limiting for leaving the house or going to events or having babysitters, and if the session is open to children, that’s great! Because that means that he can be a part of it! And if he’s asleep, that means I can be a part of it, and it can be “me” time, instead. And we can both get something out of it. Or, if it’s something that’s really amazing and we just truly have to miss it, it’s still there.
It wasn’t like, I missed that day and I’ll never have that chance again, it’s all recorded for posterity and sharing, and I’ve watched some of the episodes that we’ve missed, and it’s great to be able to watch them and get the content. Not feel like you’re stuck to someone else’s timeline.
Ayelet: And also to be able to talk about what you saw or what you implemented, later on!
Rachel: Mm-hmm! Yeah, that’s a really good point, because the debriefing part of it has been really nice. Especially because the LAB is growing with our babies. When I joined, I had a 6-9 month old, and now I have a 9-12 month old, and pretty soon it’s gonna be the next chunk! And I know that having that active community who are asking questions and then bouncing topics off, and sharing their stories – like, we’re all really curious about Montessori, it seems, and some people have tried or lived it, and can speak to that experience, and that’s great!
To just be able to say, “oh! I wonder if anyone has talked about that, and BOOM!” I think, like you say, we’re not meant to parent in isolation, and parenthood can be so isolating, even in your own head. You don’t know what questions you have sometimes, and you can just drive yourself crazy. It’s really nice to hear other people are crazy, too, and they have answers, or solutions, and some of them work and some of them don’t, for you, and that’s great, too! Because you’re learning about flexibility and being non-judgmental, and that can be really challenging!
It’s nice that there’s an environment that specifically promotes that – because you can join facebook groups, and there’s… they can get intense or ideological. And I think that’s another thing that I really like about this platform. Not just that there aren’t, like, hot button issues, but that it’s sort of “ideology free” in one way.
Like, you obviously have an idea about what parenting might look like and these are some best practices for it, but, you know, if I listened to a presenter and I disagreed about something, I wouldn’t get the impression that it would be shameful, or that it would be something that I wouldn’t be able to come back and say, “you know, when I tried that, it wasn’t as successful for me.” So that’s also really nice – to have lots of positive reinforcement.
Ayelet: Mm-hmm! We all need that! As humans, not just as parents – but especially as parents!
Rachel: Yeah. It’s interesting, too, because I’ll think about the kind of way I want to lead my son to something, and, I’m like, “ok, I should cross-apply that lesson to my husband, or cross-apply that lesson to my mom and my dad, or, you know, whomever, my neighbors.” And, it’s nice to have a little accountability filter. I’m not gonna say that like, if you’re only reading books, you’re not getting that. But it is nice to have the ability to communicate those experiences and have a reality check.
Ayelet: Well, speaking of books, you have read the new book, Understanding Your Baby, which is just about to launch as we speak, and probably will have launched by the time this episode comes out. So I wanted to ask a little bit about that, because we’ve talked more about Learn With Less® classes which is the more “community and support” group aspect of Learn With Less, but of course, and we’ve mentioned the podcast and some of the other musical resources as well, but this book is also, in a way, sort of a DIY resource, right? You’re looking for ideas for week-by-week development and ideas to play with your baby, so, here it is. So, can you tell us a little bit about, having read the book what’s changed for you now, or just some of your impressions?
Rachel: Sure, and it’s interesting that… I would definitely make the point that the book is a supplement to the LAB. And I do think that, for me, the value of the LAB is even more enriched by the presence of the book – that, you could just get the book, but I think the book and the LAB is like, the winning combination.
I read the book, and the first thing I thought was, “I’m so glad I’m having a second child.” Because I can’t wait to start with day one and have a little map of what we can do together! When I got the advanced copy, William was already on, like, week 50. So, I kind of skimmed the first part, and then went straight to the part that was relevant for him. And it was spot on: activities, the sensory needs, the transitioning, where his cognitive skills were and the specific activities that were being recommended were like, YES – this is gold.
And so then, what I’ve done since is gone back and re-read other sections while I’m looking at pictures from that time. It’s kind of helped me reminisce over his first year, because he had his birthday while I was reading the book. So, I found my pictures from when he was four months old, and I went back to the four-month old ideas, and I’m like, “oh yeah – we didn’t really do that!
That would have been really cool!” Because, you know, we had tummy time, and he was rolling over, and he was just kind of starting to sit up and starting to eat, but I felt like we were kind of focused on one or two things – like, alright, let’s get you sitting up, let’s get you… I’ll be so free when you’re sitting up! Hahaha!
Ayelet: And little did you know!
Rachel: I know, right? And so that was sort of one of the things that the book helped me check in with – maybe it was just with baby number one, but you’re always thinking about what’s next.
Ayelet: Mm, yeah. Well, and you’re just trying to keep your head above water – you’re in survival mode!
Rachel: You’re in survival mode, and it’s all new, and it’s all wonderful, and you’re like, “oh, well, once he can do this, this can happen!” And I think one of the things that I’m looking forward to with the book is being a little bit more present, and having a lot of different ideas for how to stay present. And one of the things, like we have the digital picture frame, and I was thinking, you know, you really recommend using pictures a lot, and embedding them, and creating your own books.
And I thought, well that might be something that William and I can do for baby number two! He can be introducing family members. Or, we can print out pictures that Number Two won’t get a chance to meet, or won’t meet because we had a loss in the family. And so, I was like, yeah – we can also take pictures of all of the places that William likes to go so that baby number two can hear about it! And we’ll go to those places!
And so, I loved the idea of the picture books. That was really inspiring – to go back and think about all the little ways… and the baby massage! Like, when my mom first was holding William, I think he was maybe about a week old. She had him on his tummy on her lap, and she was like, “I’m gonna give him a little baby massage!” And she was just kind of tickling his back, and there is this beautiful picture of him making this face that’s just… he’s on cloud nine – he’s so happy.
And I remember thinking, like, “baby massage sounds so complicated!” But then I saw what you were talking about, like, oh, this is how we can talk about our body parts, this is some sensory integration that we can be doing, this is some routine that we can be doing, we can always kind of do this a little bit when we’re changing diapers or getting dressed.
I feel like the book is giving me confidence to not be as shy about things that maybe crossed my mind before but I didn’t think that I would know how to do, and then it’s actually not as complicated, but it’s just as valuable, and it’s accessible! And so, I’m really excited about that.
I also like that the podcasts that you’ve already done, or interviews you’ve already done, are already mentioned. And, I can tell you now, that I no longer remember anything that happened a month ago, and certainly not what’s going to be like a year and a half ago! So, it’s great that that resource will be right there to help jog my memory when I need it!
Ayelet: Yes, that was intentional!
Rachel: Good job, you! Because this mommy dementia is ridiculous.
Ayelet: Yeah, that’s a good term for it. So, to just sum it up, what do you feel like has changed for you now that you have the resources from Learn With Less in your life?
Rachel: Well, I’m less hesitant to ask for help. For example, I had a question about weaning, and I was crying! And I was sad, and I was like, I really want someone to help me through this. And I thought, I really need to post this in the community, because they’re who are going to help me with that.
So, part of it was, okay, there is a place where you can go to have those kinds of social-emotional questions answered, not just, “what’s the research say?” And another thing that’s changed is that I feel a lot more confident about some of the choices that I had already made, and feel really good about being open to other choices that I didn’t know were out there. The talk today on positive parenting strategies… I had an idea based on some other research I’d seen – usually for kids with disorder.
Part of the problem with being a speech therapist is that I’m dealing with kids that aren’t neurotypical. And so, I feel like I’m really good at helping in a crisis, but like, the day to day kind of expectations of what’s normal – like, I ended up asking the question “well, what should my expectations be?” Because I don’t actually know the expectations for a child that is developing typically!
And my husband and I had a conversation, and we were basically like, “well how do we want to parent? We know we don’t want to yell, we know we don’t want to say ‘no’ too much… what’s the other thing look like? What’s that sound like? What are the… what are we talking about? What’s the thing that we’re thinking about doing – does it have a name?
And, so today was great! So, for me, it’s been great to have a lot of opportunity to have someone bring evidence to you, bring options to us, and for us to say, “oh! Yeah, that works! Or, oh, I’m not so sure about that… or, yeah! We can do this – we can halfway do that, like toy rotation! There’s only so much storage space and there’s only so much out and about space, but I love the idea of that – and it’s not as sparse as some other homes, but it’s what works for us! And it was a great idea and I learned how to do it through you guys!
Ayelet: Fantastic! Well, I’d love to just finish up with the last question, which is what would you tell yourself before you became a mom – if you could tell yourself one thing?
Rachel: Oh wow… don’t make it too complicated. I definitely think that for a long time, my coping strategy was to come up with a lot of rules and a lot of formulas, and look at a lot of data, and make things as complicated as possible for some reason. And all that did was create a lot of conflict and a lot of wasted time.
And luckily, I feel very fortunate that between Dave and my mom, they’re both very honest people, but very compassionate, and they kind of helped me see that it didn’t have to be this hard. I was making it harder than it needed to be – that things were going to get hard enough on their own. And I think this is a similar experience a lot of people have with their first child. And so, it’s been really awesome to go from, like, what was really complicated at 6 months, to what was a little bit easier at 8, and now, I’m picking my battles – and luckily, William is picking them all for me, now!
Ayelet: Hahahaha! Well said!
Rachel: And, I think the other thing, too, one of the things I’d like to do better – so like, right now, someone who’s got a little experience but definitely (apparently this is a lifelong journey that I’m on, now!) is I’d still like to find a way to collaborate with my partner a little bit better. And so, that might be the quest for the next time around. Get on the same page a little bit sooner!
Ayelet: Yeah! Easier said than done!
Rachel: Apparently! Maybe it’s a pipe dream!
Ayelet: [they both laugh] Awesome. Well, Rachel, thank you so much for being here today with us and for sharing your experience and your life – and we’ll talk to you soon!
Rachel: Thank you so much – it’s been a pleasure and I’m just really proud of the work that you’ve done to help us mothers and caregivers make our jobs easier. So, hats off to you for being amazing at what you’re doing – thank you.
Ayelet: I appreciate that, thank you.
