How do I retrain my brain to stop yelling at my kids?
In this episode, we speak with Amanda Rueter, a mental health counselor, mother of two young boys, and founder of Messy Motherhood. Through her work, Amanda helps bust the myth of the “super mom,” and helps parents embrace their imperfections.
We cover:
- Amanda’s background, and how she came to do the work she’s doing today
- The cycle of emotion for parents and caregivers: negative self-talk, common triggers, and why we explode
- The link between taking care of ourselves and taking care of our families
- Amanda’s top tips and resources for understanding and working around our own emotional triggers, so we can regulate our won emotions as parents and caregivers!
Great resources we mentioned in this podcast episode:
Mama’s Anger Management e-course
Amy McCready’s book, “If I Have To Tell You One More Time”
Learn With Less episode Using the Language of Listening with Infants and Toddlers, with Tracey Cutchlow
Learn With Less episode Creativity Outlets for New Parents, with Beryl Young
Connect With Us:
Ayelet: Facebook / Instagram / Pinterest
Amanda: Website / Facebook / Instagram / Pinterest
Text Transcript of this episode
Ayelet: Welcome to the Learn With Less podcast. So today I am speaking with Amanda Rueter. Amanda was a mental health therapist, turned mom to two boys actually. She is a mental health therapist, turned mom to two boys. She thought her experience and education would prepare her for motherhood, but she had no idea.
She now writes on her blog, Messy Motherhood to help empower mothers and fathers to feel confident in themselves and their parenting so that they can build happier homes with their children. She is the force behind the popular Mama’s Anger Management e-course, which has helped almost a thousand mothers stop the yelling and start creating happier moments with their children. Amanda, thank you so much for being here. Welcome to Learn With Less.
Amanda: I’m so happy to be here with you.
Ayelet: Yay. So I have asked you to come onto the show today to speak to us a little bit about how we can stop yelling. Because let’s be honest, it’s something that we all do… and how we can make sure that we’re not the ones throwing the tantrums. Yes, I have caught myself there, but first, I would love to hear just a little bit more about you and how you actually got into the work that you’re doing today.
Amanda: Sure. So I’d say that I accidentally fell into this work. I didn’t intentionally start my business talking about this, but there’s a good reason why I do. So I’ll start from kind of the very beginning. My background, I have a bachelor’s degree in child development and family studies and I’ve worked with children for a very long time. I was a nanny, did preschools, that whole thing to get me through college. And I went to grad school ride train as a play therapist and a children’s therapist. And then I worked with children mainly in the domestic violence field, working with moms and their children who are leaving violence situations. So I dealt with a lot of PTSD and safety planning and trying to help these kids and the moms kinda get back on their feet again.
And so when I got pregnant I was like, oh, I’ve got this. Like, I’m going to be great. Like I have all this education. I’ve worked with kids for so long, I know how to emotionally regulate. Like I’m great. I got all this stuff, I’ve got it, but I didn’t. Um, and the thing that surprised me the most was my own anger. Like I, I teach people how to emotionally regulate, but then I wasn’t able to handle my own big emotions when it came to my kids.
And so I actually quit my therapy job and started staying home with my boys, started a blog as just kind of like a hobby. And then one morning, my three year old spilled coffee on my computer and I, I blew up into what I call Hulk Mom. Like I started yelling and screaming. I think I was throwing stuff like it was bad. It was a really bad moment.
And it was right after that that I was like, I’ve got to do something different. Like, you know better, you know the tools you have them, you’re just not using them. And so I went to my blog and started writing about my own journey with “stop yelling.” And that’s when things really started taking off. People were like, oh my God, me too. And you’re a therapist and you’re doing this. Like you know, all these kinds of things. So from there it’s kinda taken off and now I help moms all around the globe how to control their temper and stop yelling at their children.
Ayelet: That’s a very, very important thing.
Amanda: Yeah. So it wasn’t on purpose, but here I am.
Ayelet: Well I just love that you come at it from that honest perspective because I think a lot of times we hear from quote unquote experts and if you’ve listened to the Learn With Less podcast and you’re part of this community, then you know that I, I abhor that term where it’s no such thing as a parenting expert. We are… those people don’t exist.
So you and I, Amanda, have some knowledge and I’m so happy that you are willing to, number one, be honest and transparent about your experience, but also willing to share this knowledge with us. So thank you. So in your work you talk a little bit about sort of this cycle of emotion for parents and caregivers, which starts with that negative self talk and some triggers and then you know how those impact our own ability to stay calm and regulated. So I would love for you to just sort of talk through that as much as you’re able to just spell it out for us. That’s a nice big question for you.
Amanda: It is, And seriously, since I’ve really been focusing on anger as a very specific emotion, you learn that there’s so much that goes into anger. Anger is typically what we call a secondary emotion. Anger happens because of all these other emotions that you’re feeling underneath the surface. And the problems I find specifically with busy parents is that we’re so busy taking care of all the things and our kids and our family that we don’t focus on all of those things happening underneath the surface.
And then they end up boiling up. And then usually what happens is your, you’re already boiling underneath. You may not even recognize it and then your child does something that you don’t like and you explode all over your child, and then you say, well, my children, my child made me scream my child made me do this. But in actuality, if all that other stuff wasn’t happening underneath you probably would’ve been able to handle that situation a little bit better.
So I do talk a lot about triggers that are happening underneath. And then we also have to be talking about the negative self talk and the way that you see yourself in the way you see yourself as a parent. And all of that plays a part in how you deal with your own anger and how you deal with your children.
So, but there’s a lot going on underneath there and I could talk about it forever, but the three main triggers that I talk about, usually when we think about triggers, we think of like one specific thing that made you angry, that made you yell. But because I like to uncover all that, all that other stuff… There’s three main types of triggers. The first one is your emotional triggers, and those are those things that are happening that you don’t have a whole lot of control over.
You’re worried about things happening with your child, you’re having a fight with your spouse about something, you’re having financial stress, you know all those emotional things that are happening can actually cause a lot of stress and that stuff boils, and that’s when you explode. So focusing on the emotional triggers is key. And I think the very first part.
And the second trigger we have are environmental triggers and these are maybe some of the ones you’ve heard of before. A big environmental trigger for me is loud noises. So if my my house, if my kids are loud, then I have a tendency to get very angry and agitated. When I’m running late to something, when I’m busy doing all the things and I’m being interrupted 18 times from my children. Those are all those environmental triggers. And then we have snap triggers and these triggers are your pet peeves.
These are the things that make you explode really quick, and they’re and we all have different snap triggers. For me, being hurt by my child, like I don’t know, it’d be like, you know, toddlers, you know, they throw these big body tantrums. They end up like smacking you in the nose or something and just makes me so angry.
You know, it may not bother you, but it bothers me. Um, you know, some people can’t handle it when things get spilled or when something gets broken, those can be snap triggers. But they all play a part together and so you have to be aware of all three of those types of triggers so then you can be able to handle those situations that may cause you to yell or, or become angry. So that’s why we say that anger is a secondary emotion anyway. I don’t know if that answered your question.
Ayelet: Yeah! No, that was super useful. I love that you’re spelling out those common triggers. And talk a little bit more about that, that sort of negative self-talk because it is that cycle of, okay, then we have this trigger. We burst out, we, we yell at our children, and then we tell ourselves, I’m a horrible person for yelling at my toddler.
Amanda: Yeah, of course! I know that I felt that way. I mean, I think we all feel that way. Like you feel that guilt and those that, you feel like this horrible person for yelling at your child. And so what happens is that you have a tendency to treat yourself and treat others the way that you think about them. So if you think that you’re a bad parent, if you think that you’re incapable, if you think that you aren’t able to take care of your children, if you think you may not be cut up for this parenting gig, then you start believing those things.
And then you start really, you know, treating your children like… You start treating them a little bit worse. You start treating yourself a little bit worse and then you get into this negative spiral of, I’m a terrible person. I’m never gonna be able to stop yelling at my children, my children are always making me angry. I’m never gonna be able to stop doing these things. And then you end up in this downward spiral and it’s hard to get out of that sometimes. So being aware of your own negative self talk is extremely important because we as humans have a tendency to always think negatively about things.
We have to train ourselves to think more positively. There’s been numerous studies about this and they’re fascinating to me about how innately we go more towards the negative and we will even see our children more towards the negative. My child’s always yelling, my child never listens to me, my child, whatever. I mean, we all think the negative things in our head about our children, I do too! But being aware of that is key, especially when it comes to your children. Because when you think more negatively about your children, you are going to treat them in a more negative way.
And so if you have a child who you think never listens to you, then you’re never going to expect that they do and you’re always going to be ready for the next time they tell you no, you’re always going to be ready to like jump on them or get angry at them or having to yell at them to get to them to do things.
So being aware of your own negative thoughts about yourself and your child is really key, because you can’t take care of those emotional triggers if you really do think that you’re a terrible person or if you’re really not good at parenting, then you’re not going to be able to handle or cope as well whenever things happen.
Ayelet: Yeah. You know it’s super interesting because I’m thinking as you’re saying this about what part of the brain is affected by like our making judgments right about ourselves, about others, about what’s a good idea or a bad idea, and then also the part of the brain that is, like, creating these anticipating patterns. These are all the same part of the brain that is this – the frontal lobe, right?
This is that executive functioning area, that ability that makes us able to plan and make good judgements and anticipate behavior, number one, is the same part of the brain that is trying to help us make those good choices. But it’s also our downfall, right? Because we are making those judgments about ourselves and we’re anticipating these patterns. And if we get stuck in that pattern, then it’s a negative pattern. And at the same time, these are also the same, this is the same part of the brain that our children, especially toddlers… It’s totally… It’s growing rapidly.
Amanda: Right! I mean, we don’t even get that part until you know, late adolescence. I mean, that is the last part to develop. And the brain isn’t fully developed until you’re in your mid twenties. So you can’t expect a toddler to have any of those abilities. Definitely. So, yeah.
Ayelet: So powerful. Um, and, and also, okay, so now what do we do with this? Right. Okay. So what in your mind really actually is that link between taking care of ourselves and taking care of our families and what, what does that look like?
Because I know you also talk a lot about self care and you are also on a mission to revolutionize the way people think about what that is. And we talked a little bit recently with Beryl Young who’s all about creating opportunities and outlets for ourselves to take care of ourselves and taking those moments. But I would love to hear about your, what’s that link between taking care of ourselves and, and taking care of our family?
Amanda: Sure. So you know, you’ve heard that thing that you have to put on your oxygen mask first before you can put it on the next, you know, fill your cup before you can give it to someone else. And I, I do agree with that. And I think that those are great analogies. Because the truth is, is that if you’re not able to cope with some of those personal triggers going on, if you’re not able to deal with some of those things that are happening to you, and some of them you can’t fix and you can’t always fix arguments right away.
You can’t always fix financial struggles right away. But it’s how you cope with them that’s the important piece and if you are unable to cope with stress, then you’re not going to be able to parent your children the best way that you know how, because you’re always going to be bubbling up. You’re always going to be angry. You’re like, you know that’s going to be underneath the surface until you can learn how to make it die down a little bit, for lack of a better word.
So for self care, I agree with Beryl, and I think we all need these moments of creativity. I know her, I think she’s fabulous, but I also think that self care gets a bad rap these days. And then a lot of parents hear self care and they’re like, well I don’t have time for that. And they just throw up their hands and they quit trying to bring these self care into their life because they have these ideas that self care is unattainable because of what’s being put out there in the parenting culture is that, you know, we need to be able to sit down and watch Netflix all day long or, or stay in bed and sleep late or go take a bubble bath or you know, even if there was an article that said recently that we should be having like you know, nights out with our girlfriends like twice a week or something and I’m like, ha! Who has time to do that? Like I don’t have time to do that. Or they’d be taking these long vacations with their spouses or whatever. It’s just not possible.
Ayelet: And like, kuddos for you, if you are actually doing that, but…
Amanda: Totally! That’s awesome. I would love to be able to do that. And I think, and I do have some friends who are very good at being able to do some, do those things because they have the support network, they have people who are able to be there and they feel confident with leaving their children. I don’t have that, personally because we move so much and we don’t have family nearby. I
don’t have people I can just leave with my children to go take a date with my husband or to go on vacation with my girlfriends. Like it’s just not something possible. And so I think that’s why I get so frustrated with it. Cause I read these memes and articles and I’m like, yeah, right. Like who has time for that? And then I hear people talk about it and they’re in the same kind of boat as I am or they’re not comfortable leaving their children with people.
Um, you know, there’s lots of different reasons why we can’t take a break. And so what I want people to understand about self care is that it doesn’t mean time away from your children. If you can get that, that’s great. If you can’t, that’s okay. Self care in and of itself is just purely bringing joy into your everyday life. And you can do that with your children around. You can do that in small moments throughout your day.
They don’t have to be these big long hours away from your family in order to refill your cup. You know, some of my favorite self care things, I love being outside and if I could just go for a walk and I could take my kids with me. If they’re playing in the backyard, I can just sit outside with a good book and watch them play. You know? And that is self care for me.
Driving around the windows down. Like I said, being outside, that self care for me, putting on some good music and having a dance party with my kids that self care and being able to recognize how to bring in little moments of self care throughout your day really can help you cope with some of those big things that are happening with you underneath the surface.
Because you can’t, like I said, you can’t always help the fact that you’re having an argument with somebody or that you’re having financial stress. But if you can bring in some play, do you bring some joy into your life, then you’re going to be able to kind of cope with those things a little bit better. So I think that that is, it’s key to stop yelling at your children is learning how to take care of those things. So bringing in some self care that is possible and obtainable for your life is important.
And so I get really frustrated when I hear there was somebody asked in one of the mom groups that I’m in, like what do you think when you think about self care? Like almost all the comments are like, I don’t have time for that. I can’t do that. What is self care? Like, I don’t even understand what that means. And most people weren’t able to do it and they’re like, whatever. And they just threw up their hands and quit trying. And that’s where I get frustrated because we do need that part of our life. But because of the things that we’re hearing in mom culture these days, it’s not always possible. And that can be really very frustrating to me personally.
Ayelet: Yeah. Well, and one other thing that you said in that also, towards the beginning, was like we also, especially because I know for me when I had my second, then you tell the story of when you had your baby and you’re suddenly Hulk Mom, I love that term. It’s totally like, because it is an adjustment period, right? You, you become a mom for the first time or for the second time and that period.
It’s a transition, right? It’s not like, I think that’s one of the things that you and I both, Amanda probably had this experience of like I came into motherhood, I thought I was going to rock it and then you’re like, holy moly. Like, what on earth? I had no idea. I didn’t anticipate the level of like overwhelm or the level of vulnerability.
And that same thing happens the next time you have… ya know, you add another child to the mix, obviously. So, I think one piece of that too is like to give yourself a little grace period and accept that it’s gonna take some time to find that new normal. And the hard thing about that is that that period of time can vary for each person. And you might have a friend who is having just like a really easy time with her second child. Then you’re like over here, like my kid has silent reflux, and he is screaming all the time…
Amanda: Well, I’ll tell you, I look from the outside. I looked like one of those moms who had all of her stuff together. Like my kids were usually pretty clean. I was on time places, like I felt like things were okay, but I was in what I call the mom funk, like especially after my second was born. So the incidents where he gets spilled computer, my baby had just heard one.
So this was like a full year after I had my baby, cause the adjustment time can take a while, but we had also just moved to a new home. I didn’t have any family around, didn’t have any, didn’t know anybody and it was winter and I was stuck in the house by myself with my kids and my husband was working crazy hours and so I was… I was lonely and I was in a mom funk and I just, I just wasn’t in a good season of my life.
And because of that I wasn’t able to cope with all the things. So you’re right, like those adjustment periods when you bring a new baby in, when you move, when you, you know, when something’s happened, um, maybe even when your spouse changes job, anytime that something different happens, it takes a while to adjust that.
And I do find that that is typically when people fall into these mom funks, is what I call them. You know, and they’re just and I, I react in anger. Some people when they’re in funks they get tired and weepy. They may not want to get out of bed, they may feel more down and depressed. I have a tendency to show my sadness through anger, I think that’s a very, a family thing. My, you know, I grew up with a mother who was like that. Her mother was like that and that’s just kind of how I had all been taught to cope.
So I think that that is also a really important key when it comes to yelling is looking at your family history. Like what have you been taught, how to cope and how have you been taught how to raise your children. Because when things get stressful, you’re going to innately go back to the way that you were parented. And those are going to be your instinctual ways to parent your own children.
And I was raised by a yelling mom. And so I will instinctively go into more of a yelling phase because that’s what, how I knew you raised kids. So it takes a lot of effort to really undo those patterns and it takes a lot of effort to get out of that mom funk and that’s where this self care comes in. That’s where the negative self thoughts come in. Because if you find yourself in the funk, you’re not going to be able to really deal with all of those underlying issues that are happening that’s causing you to jump to anger more often.
Ayelet: Yeah. I just wanted to for a second to just say out loud that we have a comment, from one of our listeners who’s watching currently and she says, I am making this podcast required listening before our big family beach trip this summer, which had so much yelling last time, I almost refuse to go this year. So thank you for that. Amanda, you’re already helping.
Amanda: I just got back from a family vacation trip last week. So yes, I understand. And we would bring in, you know, cousins of aunts and uncles in laws and parents like, yeah, hot mess. It can be a hot mess for sure.
Ayelet: So true. So all right, we’re gonna take just a brief break to hear a word from our sponsors and then we are going to actually here at some great tips, right? We’ve heard all of the suffering and all the challenges and now we’re going to hear those tips about, from Amanda about the ways that we can stay more regulated so that we can teach our little ones to do the same. And we’re going to hear her favorite resources for parents and caregivers interested in learning more about that.
Okay, Amanda. So let’s get down and dirty. We would like to hear your top tips for parents and caregivers to help us stop yelling.
Amanda: Okay. There’s so many. Okay. So what I did initially was I decided to pull out some physical reminders, some things that I had that I could touch that I could see that reminded me of my challenge to stop yelling at my kids. And they, I left them around the house.
My son’s favorite color at the time was yellow and so I cut out yellow hearts out of construction paper and I posted them and like hotspots around my house, like on his bedroom door to help me for bedtime. On my kitchen refrigerator for dinner times and things, on my rear view mirror in the car, you know, places like that. So I could like bump into them throughout the day. And how I use them is A, as a reminder to stay calm and, but B is more of like an anger check-in.
So take those moments when I ran into one and just check and see where my anger was. Because there’s a scale of anger going from one, which I called the Zen Mama. She’s, you know, all happy and easygoing and relaxed. I’m not there very often. I’m usually somewhere in the middle all the way up to the Hulk Mama, which is where I was when I blew up on my son. Or you’re out of yourself and anger and rage.
And so what I would like to do is to check myself, am I getting close on that scale? Am I getting closer to the Hulk Mama or am I more towards the Zen Mama stage. And then if I felt myself feeling more angry, then I would do some calm down tips. And calm down tips don’t have to be there’s a variety of them. A lot of times we think of calm down.
We think of like deep breathing, doing these calming, relaxing things, which are one type of compound tip. But there’s also things like turning on some dance music and dancing and getting out some of that stuff. Maybe going outside and running around and getting some energy out. Even blowing bubbles or those calm down jars. There’s tons of different ways of calming down.
I actually have a list of over 50 calm down tips and they’re all broken up into these categories so they’re easy to use. But we all have different ways to calm down that work for us. What works for you may not work for me. I honestly don’t do well with the deep breathing. I do much better with something where I can be physical. And so if I can, you know, go for a walk with my kids. If I could put on a dance music, those kinds of things will, those helped me calm down best just cause I know myself.
But as you go through this process, you’re going to learn what calm down tips work for you most. You’re going to have a few favorite ones that you’re going to lean towards. So whenever you run into those physical reminders, you do a check in. Am I feeling angry right now? What can I do to get calm? And that’s one of my favorite ways of staying calm throughout your day.
Ayelet: And you put them in these like trigger point areas that you often find or like within and it’s like you were saying bedtime. Totally smart. Oh my gosh, that’s brilliant.
Amanda: You’re brushing teeth. I don’t know what it is about where my kids like start dancing and playing around with their brushing, it drives me up the wall like so that’s a trigger spot for me and I know now, now that they’re old enough to brush their teeth, I can’t even watch, I’m like you just go brush your teeth and I’ll check in later and make sure you’re good. But when they were little, it just. Uh. Anyway, so I always had a heart in there because that was where I needed to do that check in for myself.
So I think that’s my, my favorite one. If you’re looking to stop yelling right now, that’s gonna get your biggest bang for your buck right now. One of the other things I teach is called the abcs of yelling. This one takes more practice because basically what I’m asking you to do is whenever you find yourself starting to get angry, you need to stop, assess the situation.
Is this something that I need to deal with right now? Or can it wait just a second? And I’m not talking like is it an emergency, like if this, this is a thing that I deal with it right now, then it can wait three seconds. Like we’re not asking you to wait a long time to deal with a situation.
Just a second. Take a breath, that’s your B. So you stop and you breathe and you do your calm down tip and your C is you calmly adjust the situation. So it’s learning. You know, I’ve learned, there’s a great quote, I can’t remember his name, Vincent. Somebody basically he says between a stimulus and response, there’s power in that moment. So between that, something that happens to you and the way you responded, that’s where the power is, is in that empty space.
So you need to take the time and use that empty space to the best of your ability. Take a pause, and unless it’s an emergency, you can take a pause. You don’t have to address everything right away. You can take that second. And that’s one of those things that takes a while to practice. It’s something that I’ve, this was a very person I give to my people in my course because I want them to practice it from the very beginning so that they’re really good at it by the end of the course, because it takes awhile.
But really learning how, but I think the most important thing is learning how your body responds to anger and being able to be aware of the way your body’s responding before you get angry. And so things like feel your heart rate speeding up so you get sweaty, you’re, you find that you’re breathing heavier, you’re fine, you’re getting snippy, your kids, your hands are getting sweaty, you know, all those little signs that, that anger is building. That’s where you need to start catching yourself and doing something to calm yourself down before you react.
Ayelet: Yeah. Oh my gosh. Okay. So my five-year-old is very, we were given, he’s starting kindergarten next year, right? So we went to like a kindergarten panel and the future kindergarten teacher was talking about how she uses this phrase in the classroom. And if we want to start using it now, it’s, it could be a useful thing.
And she’s like, she just asks them, is this a big potato problem or a small potato problem? And I love, and I’ve been using it with my five-year-old because he can understand that. But I’m realizing actually as you’re talking about this, that one thing that is going to help me is if I draw a little potatoes and I put them on sticky notes in my trigger areas, then I will hopefully start to retrain my brain.
Cause this is what you’re asking us to do, which is really, that’s what it takes, right? You’re retraining your brain, you’re retraining all of those automatic responses that you were taught as you grew up that you are using as a sort of a fight or flight, right? As just they’re triggered they’re automatic responses.
But we, if we don’t want our children to yell and scream and I don’t want my five-year-old doing that, or my two year old, then I have to be the one to model that. So I need to ask myself whether this is a big potato problem or a small potato problem, so, how I want to deal with it. So.
Amanda: And you’ll find that most of them are small potato problems. I mean like when it comes down to it, like most things are pretty small. So, and I think that that’s been the biggest thing for me is like I don’t have to respond right away to every single little thing.
And that was one of the harder things for me because I thought that, you know, is that consistency and follow through and make sure you’re there for every little thing and all those kinds of stuff. But realizing that sometimes I needed to get myself to the point where I could adjust it appropriately. And by taking that second break is sometimes all you need. And um, yeah. And so understanding if this is really important or not. And I do the same thing that I, I also teach people how to pick battles.
Like, is this really worth getting into an argument with your child about is this really worth, um, you know, correcting your child’s behavior? Or is this not? And trying to decide what, you know, what, what that is too.
Ayelet: Um, yeah, for the perfectionist among us. I’m not naming any names. That can be hard.
Amanda: You’re walking around going, no, don’t do that. No stop doing that. You just, and then yeah, it’s going to cause your child to, you know, feel a little anxious. But it’s also gonna make you feel more angry throughout the day. Cause you’re walking around telling your child no all day long and it can be exhausting.
So if you can find those ways to bring in more yeses, you can find ways to be more accepting of your child’s behavior or understanding that what they’re doing is developmentally appropriate, which I know that you teach a lot about that. Um, you know, so it’s, and then being able to approach them from a more positive, more yes place than a no place and you’re going to feel more calm and your child’s going to feel more calm too. And it’s going to be pretty great.
Ayelet: Yeah. Well that’s great. I wanted to bring in also, we had a podcast episode of while back with Tracy, Cutchlow, who talks a lot about the Language of Listening. The first step in that is just that, say what you see. And I think that can be a great tool in that assessment part.
The A part of what you’re talking about, like the thing to actually just do, to just step back and that can be, give us as, as the grownups like some action to do is just like you are really loud. You are so loud. You’re using your voice in a big way, right? Without the judgment, trying. And I, the first time I said that you are really loud. That did have judgment, right? So in taking, trying to figure out a way to take out that judgment piece and just literally say what you see or hear: your voice is so big right now.
Amanda: And that is so powerful. Um, I’ll even say like, wow, you seem so angry right now. Um, and what that does, if you put an emotion to it, then your child will actually calm down a lot faster because they understand that you get it. Like, Oh man, I’m angry. I don’t need to like show her that I’m angry.
She gets it, you know, she already gets it and you’re touching them on a very personal level and they feel connected with you and they’re gonna more easily calm down. So, um, say what you see. If you could attach an emotion to it, like that’s even more powerful. I do it to my children all the time.
Ayelet: Yeah. So great. Oh, some awesome, awesome tips. Do you have anything more for us there or shall we move on to resources?
Amanda: We can move on, I think.
Ayelet: Okay. So what are some of your favorite resources that you like to share with families, Amanda?
Amanda: My own resources, or others?
Ayelet: And you can, you can give us yours and any others. Like if you have books or you know any other or podcasts or whatever.
Amanda: Yeah, there’s a lot of really good stuff out there. I leaned more towards, I think anything you can have more positive parenting spin on is going to be great when it comes to your yelling as well. So, um, I really like Amy McCready’s positive parenting solutions. She has a whole webinar that’s um, how to get your kids to listen without having to yell, nag, or bribe is the other word. Sorry. Um, but hers is all about, you know, that positive parenting, how to get your kids to listen to you, which I think is really important.
What I speak about, I come at it from a very different perspective where I really feel like we have to get the parents to a good emotional place before we can even talk about how to parent the children. We need to get, you know, the parents calm and be able to get the parents to be able to cope. Because if you have parents who are a hot mess, then they’re not gonna be able to parent their children appropriately.
So, um, I think the program like my program, which is called Mama’s Anger Management, is a great tie in with the positive parenting solutions. Because I come, I start you off on the, you know, how do I, how do you cope with these big behaviors? How do you deal with the anger? And then she can take it to actually how they get your kids to listen to you so you don’t feel like you have to raise your voice and yell at them.
But they’re really great programs that work well together. Most of our stuff all the time. And so I actually have a couple of different resources I’m building, um, the calm mom guide, which will be available next week. So by the time this podcast is up, it’ll be alive on my site.
You can find that at messymotherhood.com. I’m going to give Ayelet the link straight to I’m getting that guide. And then, um, if you’re here joining us live, sorry. Um, then I will give a wait list signup. So it’ll be the same either way, so you can get on the waitlist or go ahead and sign up for it. But it’s a great, um, kind of blueprint that takes you through the whole process of learning how to stop yelling at your children.
And it does start with that emotional piece that, um, all parents have to kind of deal with before they can even talk about calm down tips or really what to do when you want to stop yelling. We have to start from the very beginning and that’s that emotional piece. So that’s what the calm mom guide kind of takes you through.
Ayelet: Amazing, oh, that’s great. Um, and if anybody else has any, you know, positive parenting type things that go along with that piece, please go ahead and leave that in the chat.
Amanda: Yeah, there’s some great authors out there with all sorts of stuff.
Ayelet: So there’s so many. Anything else?
Amanda: I don’t, I don’t think so.
Ayelet: Perfect. So great. So thank you so much Amanda and thank you to all of the participants of the Learn With Less™ Curriculum who are here listening live. We are going to continue this discussion and open up for a Q and A session for you guys in just a minute. We already have a couple of questions here and for everyone listening from home or on the go, thank you much for joining us and we will see you next next time.
Amanda: Thank you.
