Creating Inclusive Communities for Families Who May Hold LGBTQ Identities
On this episode of the Learn With Less® podcast, we sat down with Mason Aid, an LGBTQ educator focused on inclusion and how to take the next step in becoming an ally.
We discussed:
- Mason’s background, and how they got into the work they’re doing today
- A few basic definitions of useful vocabulary, such as pronouns, non-binary, cisgender, and the difference between sexual identity and gender identity
- Various things Mason has had to consider because of their own gender identity as a non-binary parent
- Mason’s suggestions for families to consider when it comes to supporting their own children as they start to build awareness of their own gender identities
- Top tips for parents, caregivers, and educators who want to create an inclusive, supportive community for young children
- A few of Mason’s favorite resources to share with families or helping professionals who want to support others who are questioning or who are coming out
Helpful Resources to Acknowledge For This Episode:
Mason’s Compassionate Coming Out Guide: resources and tips on how to respond, and how to deal with how you might be feeling if a child or family member comes out to you about their gender or sexual identity
Queer Kid Stuff YouTube Channel
Pop N’ Olly YouTube Channel
GLSEN, for educators and parents of school-aged children
PFLAG, Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
The Trevor Project, supporing LGBTQIA+ youth
Everywhere Babies, by Susan Meyers
Free Infant/Toddler Development Blueprint: what are the four major areas of early development… and how can you use the pillars of Learn With Less® to support that learning, using the time, energy, and materials you already have?! Download our free blueprint today.
Connect With Us:
Mason: Website / Facebook / Instagram / LinkedIn
Ayelet: Facebook / Instagram / Pinterest
Text Transcript of the Episode
Ayelet: Welcome to Learn With Less® I am so happy to have Mason Aid, they/he. Mason is an LGBTQ educator focused on the greater Midwest, who loves to talk about inclusion and how to take the next baby step in becoming an ally. Whether you consider yourself an ally or simply want to learn more about the LGBTQ community, they share passionately and in a disarming manner.
Mason lives in Columbia, Missouri with their five year old daughter, and loves going on hikes and playing with Perler Beads. Perler Beads, my very favorite thing, we all know that we buy them for our, air quotes, for our children… but those are for me.
Mason: Oh no, I own it, I buy them for myself, I have a giant Batman set right now that’s like gonna make a Batman that’s like 15 inches tall.
Ayelet: I love it. That’s so fun.
Mason: I’m so excited. It’s like meditation, you know, it’s my self care. It’s that, you know, I can’t sit still and meditate. But I can sit still and focus only on putting the right bead in the right spot for hours. And it just is like my Zen moment.
Ayelet: Yeah, and that precision and focus. It’s a beautiful, beautiful way to do it. I love it.
Mason: It is!
Ayelet: Mason, thank you so much for coming on today and giving us your time and energy. Obviously, I read your fancy pants bio, but I would love it if you would just sort of, in your own, words, tell us about your background, and how you got into the work that you’re doing today.
Mason: Yeah, so once upon a time, in about 2002, I was a conservative Christian homophobe, who didn’t know that they were in the closet and had no idea that I belonged to the LGBT community. I just knew I didn’t fit anywhere else. Fast forward to 2008, and I came to the University of Missouri where for the first time in my life, I saw LGBT people happy, healthy, holding hands, living successful lives. And I had that Oh, expletive moment, where I knew that I had to do something about this.
And that I had to address my queerness… which, queer is a word that I like to use for myself, but is one that is still being reclaimed by much of the community and is better not to use if you’re unsure that someone identifies that way.
I like to give that disclaimer because if someone says, Oh yeah, Mason’s queer, I’d be like, Heck, yeah. But for some people, it would be like, that’s really offensive. So we have to be careful with that word. It is being reclaimed and is being used more and more within the community, but if you’re not in the community, it’s better just to not use it unless, you know, someone specifically identifies that way.
Ayelet: That’s really helpful. Thank you for that acknowledgement. And as you said… terms, words, the way that we use vocabulary, it’s constantly changing, you know, as a speech-language pathologist, you know, like, language is an adjustment always.
And so I love, I love just that distinguishing piece of like, who are the the quote, unquote, “right” people to be using certain terminology, and what… we always want to know, like the history of a word and what connotations it has. So thank you for that. That’s awesome.
Accepting One’s Sexuality and Gender Identity
Mason: Yeah. So I came out in 2008, and felt like I had three paths in front of me. I could either deny my sexuality and marry a man, live happily ever after, except it wouldn’t be so happy for either person in the relationship. I could deny my sexuality and be celibate, or I could meet someone and marry a wonderful woman and have the life that I always thought I would… just with a woman.
And as I looked at my options, and as I pondered what would be the most in authenticity… and you know, for me at the time, what I believed God wanted me to do, I came down to the solution that these are my three choices. And if I marry a man, that wouldn’t be right, that’s not fair to him. That’s not fair to me. If I were to try to stay celibate, it would be a difficult thing to do, and would not be good for me in the long run. You know, my mental health would suffer being alone. And so I settled on, you know, okay, well, I’m going to pursue a relationship, I’m going to follow this path.
It’s been great. You know, I met a wonderful woman, and we got married, we’re currently separated, but things are still good there. And I have the most amazing five year old daughter. So I got into this work in about 2013, I was asked to volunteer with Prism, which is an LGBTQ teen group here in Columbia. And through my work with Prism, I got asked to do a presentation at a local small town high school on trans issues. And I was like, sure, why not? I can do that. Whatever. And I fell in love.
I fell in love with communicating with people what I had to learn, myself. Here are the specifics of the LGBT community, here’s what all the letters mean. Here’s how you navigate this world that, you know, things are changing. I’m not that old. And I am one of the oldest non-binary people I know, because language is changing and changed in the 2000s.
Ayelet: Yeah, and continues to change every day.
Mason: Yes, exactly. And so I just love talking to people who haven’t had exposure to the LGBT community and they don’t hate people, but they just don’t know and are unfamiliar. That’s, that’s my happy place. Because it’s talking to myself. It’s talking to my parents, it’s talking to the people I grew up with. It’s that simple.
Ayelet: I just, I love how you put that because it’s, it’s a conversation, which is what you and I are doing right here. And it happens to be being recorded so that other people can hear about it, right?
Mason: Exactly.
Ayelet: Yeah. Awesome. Well, when you and I chatted about the topics that we wanted to focus on for today’s conversation, we kind of discussed the fact that like, we would love to talk about your experience as a non-binary parent. And since this is number one, actually a huge topic. Yeah, there is no specific question there. Right.
And number two, a topic that actually many of our listeners, as we just discussed, may have quite varied degrees of knowledge, you know, their own personal experience with or understanding of, I was hoping that we could first start with a few basic definitions of terms, right.
So number one, we opened up with your pronouns. So Mason, could you share? What is the value of sharing pronouns?
Why Do We Share Pronouns?
Mason: So that’s an entire podcast episode by itself, right? So the short version is, for me, when she her pronouns are used, it’s like a punch in the arm, like a gentle, playful punch, you know, I know the intention is not ill will I know that most people don’t mean to hurt me with it. But when you get gently punched…
Ayelet: Just to clarify when she/her pronouns are used to refer to you.
Mason: Correct.
Ayelet: Ok, thank you.
Mason: And when that gentle punch happens hundreds of times a day, it gets… it hurts, you know, it’s not, it’s not the one instance that is hurtful. It’s the repetition. I worked at Starbucks for six years and got ma’amm’ed, and she/her-ed every day, for hours a day, and it just drained me, just emotionally, wore at me, because… it’s not being seen accurately. When I was coming out and figuring out gender, I had a lot of people tell me, Oh, you’re, you’re a butch lesbian.
I’m fabulous. Like, if anything, I am a feminine man. I am not the stereotype of Butch. And that language doesn’t resonate with me, it just doesn’t fit. That’s not who I am. And I, I find myself landing in this space that is both feminine and masculine. You know, I’m never going to try to masculinize my speech patterns, because I love the way I talk, you know, I’m working on speaking with a lower voice, because I’ve been on testosterone for a year. And I need to because it keeps cracking, because I’m still so used to talking in a higher register. So that’s a thing.
But like, pronouns matter. And using correct pronouns is a small step of allyship that has a huge impact on people’s lives. And for me, I use they/he, because they’re both right. So if they is weird for you, and you just can’t quite wrap your mind around singular “they,” great – use “he.” And for me, both are right. But for some people, it’s only they and we need to practice getting they right, which is a struggle. I still sometimes use the wrong pronouns for myself, and I have been out for a decade and using they/them or he/him pronouns for a decade.
So you have all the grace in the world. The person you’re referring to may not have capacity to give you the grace that you need. But that doesn’t mean that you’re a failure, or that you can’t do anything, rightt. It just means that that person doesn’t have capacity at that moment for you to be using the language that hurts them. It doesn’t mean that you’re intentionally hurting that, like there’s a distinction there that I feel like isn’t often made. That you know, while impact does override intention, intention still matters, intention still matters.
Ayelet: There’s a huge shift, movement, transition into using pronouns within all kinds of spaces, right, whether we’re talking about professional spaces, social spaces, educational spaces, different kinds of community spaces. And that is important because it acknowledges and puts at the forefront that how I identify, how you identify, how I can help to correctly identify you. And again, language matters, yeah.
Mason: Mm-hmm. And when allies give their pronouns, it opens up space for me to give mine and it not be so strange or weird. And I’m okay with being a little strange and weird, but I love it when someone comes up to me and says, Hey, my name is Marsha. I use she/her pronouns. And that gives me the space to say, Oh, hey, I’m Mason, I use they/he pronouns, nice to meet you.
And it just, that’s the best way to figure out someone’s pronouns, if you don’t know, is to introduce yourself with yours. That’s my biggest tip is introduce yourself with your pronouns. Especially if you’re unsure of what someone’s pronouns are. Because then you’re not straight up asking, which can be awkward for both parties, but you’re putting it out there and giving them the opportunity to self disclose.
Ayelet: Right, and assuming that someone else is going to self disclose just because you did is also not not a great idea, right? It’s, it’s up to every single human.
Mason: Exactly. And sometimes, you know, it’s a way of saying, Hey, I’m a safe person if you feel safe.
What Does it Mean to be Non-Binary?
Ayelet: Yeah. Lovely. Okay, moving on to the next term that I think we should just sort of start with is the term non-binary.
Mason: Yeah, so I am not a woman. I was born assigned female at birth. That’s another term that’s used in the community, that means that when I was born, the doctor looked at my genitals and said, It’s a girl. And I grew up and was like, You’re not wrong, but you’re not right, either. And, you know, I was the definition of a tomboy growing up and was never uncomfortable with being called a girl. But I was given space to be a different kind of girl.
Then in fifth grade, I was bullied and started to grow my hair out, and moved on and tried to pretend to be what we define a woman to be. I was really bad at it. I tried so hard, and I was so bad at it. And then when I came out, I was like, Oh, well, I’m a man. Obviously, if I’m not a woman, I’m a man. And as I navigated that, I put on this mask of toxic masculinity that we are presented with and was… became a bro and was like, hey, what’s up, yeah. And that was just as wrong as pretending to be a woman for me.
And where I have settled, for a long time where I settled was very much in the middle, was very much that I am neither a woman nor a man. Neither fits, not in the way we define them socially today. You know, which we can have a whole other conversation on the social construction of gender, like it’s a book, I’m working on it, I promise, we’ll get there. So I don’t fit with women, but I don’t fit with men either.
Where do I fit? I fit somewhere else, I use the term gender queer to identify myself and honestly, as I become more comfortable with my gender identity, and with who I am, I am embracing my maleness at a level that I haven’t before. Thus using he/him pronouns in addition to they/them. Where I am now is that I am a feminine man, more than I am a masculine woman, I fit in masculinity, I dress masculine, but I am, I am femme, and I’m comfortable with that I am more comfortable with nail polish and makeup now that I’m presenting in a masculine manner than I ever was when I was pretending to be a woman.
Because it feels accurate, it feels authentic, it feels like I’m being who I am, and not putting on a mask. And so that’s that’s what non-binary means to me. For some people, they don’t have a gender. For some people, they see themselves as both male and female. Some people see themselves as something entirely different. And it’s different for each person.
I choose to call myself non-binary because I don’t fit in traditional masculinity, I could call myself a man. And that wouldn’t be a lie. But I’m not the kind of man that we see in our, in our mind’s eye, when we picture a man. I am the fabulous gay best friend who happened to be born a woman and is straight-ish. That’s where I fit.
What is the Difference Between Sexual Identity and Gender Identity
Ayelet: Thank you for that. So I I’d also love to just, again, start with… because you’ve you’ve also mentioned, you came into an understanding of your own sexual identity. But we’re also obviously talking about gender identity.
So I would love it Mason, if you could also just give us a little bit of your own experience, your own understanding of those two very distinct sets of social identities and help listeners who are not quite sure what that means and what the difference is, and where this word called “Cis” fits in.
Mason: Yeah, it’s a new word. It’s an old word, but it’s a new word. So we often talk about the LGBTQ community. But really, we’re talking about two separate and distinct communities. We’re talking about the LGB community, which has to do with sexual orientation, AND we’re talking about the T community.
And Q kind of goes in both, because L is lesbian, G is gay, B bisexual, so people who are attracted to either both genders or the opposite gender, and I use gender intentionally because there are transgender men who identify as men and the women who date and marry them are straight, because they’re marrying someone of the opposite gender, and that doesn’t negate their identity at all.
Then you have gender identity, which is what’s in your heart, not what’s in your pants, you know, so often we reduce sex to biology. And when you look at it, it’s a lot more complicated than that. Intersex people exist, that’s yet another podcast episode. And, you know, we have these biological variances in what sex looks like in humans. And that’s beautiful.
We also have variations in what gender looks like for humans. And that’s just as beautiful. I was born and told I was a girl and tried to be a girl, and it never fit. I came into my own and I figured out that different words aligned better for me, and different words fit me better. So I started using them. And my mental health went from really horrible to really good. In a matter of two or three years after I came out, I went from being in a really bad place to being in a really good place, because I was honoring and being authentic to who I am.
Why We Need the Term Cisgender
And the word cisgender is a little complicated, actually. I’ve had conversations with a friend who is a staunch ally, who I know will go to bat for me any day and she is cisgender and has had the word Cis used against her as a “you don’t understand what my life is, like you’re just cis.” And most of the time, that’s not how cisgender is used.
Most of the time, it is simply if you’re not transgender, you’re cisgender… because you don’t want to use the word normal instead of transgender because that, you know, super others trans people, right? So we needed a different word for people who are not transgender, and that word is cisgender. But it’s one that is being used by someone in the trans community as a slur, which is interesting to me.
Ayelet: Very interesting. Yeah. Just this idea that for people who have never had to question their gender identity, it can be a whole new world opening up for like, oh, wait, that’s, that’s something that people… that actually many people question, or do not feel comfortable with. And so the idea that, as you said, it’s not about saying normal and abnormal, right? That’s, that’s not what we’re talking about.
We’re talking about a centered identity, an identity that is the “default,” at least in this culture in western American culture, as you and I both exist in. And that is not the only identity, right? And so now we’re starting with using language as a tool to help foster inclusivity and help foster identity building of lots of different kinds of people utilizing certain words that can help to distinguish instead of just center one…
Mason: Experience.
Ayelet: One kind of human. Yeah. Thank you, experience. Yeah.
Mason: Exactly. So one question that I get asked, is, why do I make my gender identity such a big part of my life? Why do I center that so much? Why do I advocate for my pronouns so much? And the honest answer is, if I were to relocate to New York City, today, I would advocate for my Midwestern status just as staunchly as I do my my gender identity, because that is just as core and just as influential and just as powerful to me as the fact that I am genderqueer.
And in a society, in a space where I am not given space to be who I am, or I’m assumed to be different from who I am, I’m going to advocate for myself. And in Columbia, Missouri, most people read me as female. And so I advocate for myself when it is safe and logical to do so, just as if I were in New York City, and someone were to say something offensive about the Midwest, I would call them out on it and say, No, that’s not actually what Midwesterners are like, it’s, it’s the same – for me.
Ayelet: Yeah, thank you for that, Mason, there’s so much there. And I hope that that was helpful to people who are listening in, and who are maybe newer to this language and trying to start educating themselves. For those of you who are already in this work and in the work of allyship, or who do identify within different experiences. I feel like that’s not even great language right there!
Language is Constantly Evolving – Sometimes The Words We Need Don’t Exist Yet
Mason: There’s some spaces where the language just isn’t there yet. Like, there is no gender neutral, sir or ma’am. Right? It doesn’t exist. Yeah. So what do you say when you’re a polite Midwestern person? Right? I don’t know. Like, that’s an honest question!
Ayelet: Yeah, there is no answer!
Mason: I have googled and googled and talked to all of my friends. And everybody’s like, there just isn’t one. I don’t know that one will be created, which is the interesting part to me, you know, there is Mx in replacement of Mr. or Miss. Hmm. And the x is my formality. But there isn’t a gender neutral sir or ma’am.
Ayelet: Yeah, so many so many pieces to think about! I mean, these things are changing in languages, for instance, that are gendered inherently. Like Spanish for instance, right? There are things like Latine, Latinx… There are even, I recently realized that people are utilizing the singular they in Spanish now. And that’s really, really wonderful to see. And fascinating.
Mason: And Swedish has a new there’s Han, Hon, and Hen are the gendered words, to denote gender. So I believe hen is non-binary. I don’t know. It’s been a while since I was learning Swedish, so… don’t quote me on that.
Ayelet: All right. Well, let’s move into the topic at hand today, a little bit more of the topic at hand today. As far as you know, at the time of this recording, you and I both have preschool-aged kids, right. And the first time we spoke, we chatted at length about how this sort of tends to be a time developmentally when kids are starting to verbalize the way that they understand gender identity.
But of course, we know that the ways that we are socialized to understand these concepts or constructs start so much earlier than that. So Mason, can you tell me about some of the things that you’ve had to consider because of your gender identity over the years as a parent that stand out to you?
Shaping Gender Identity Starts Before Conception
Mason: I mean, it starts before conception. Do you want a boy or a girl? I want a baby. Right. And it’s so engrained and there are parents who choose to raise their kids in an un-gendered manner, which is great and not what works for my family. You know, we decided to raise our daughter as a daughter with her knowledge that she can be whomever she wants to be.
And she has space to be whomever she wants to be. She is solidly cis at this point, she solidly identifies as a girl, a “gir,” she doesn’t quite have her R’s down, so it’s adorable. But I had to navigate when she was two, when we were taking a walk and almost back home and she went, “Baba, you boy or girl?” and like… she didn’t even have full sentences yet, but she knew that I didn’t fit in either male or female. And she didn’t know what to do with that.
So she asked, and I was not prepared for that question yet. I was like, I know, I’m gonna have to answer it eventually. But I didn’t think it would happen at two. And, I replied with, well, Bob’s both while I was a girl, boy, and she was like, oh, okay, and we’ve finished our walk, and things moved on. And you know, as big of a part of my life as it is, it’s also not. I am a parent, just like anyone else.
As a parent, I worry about my kiddo. I worry about her safety. I worry about all the things I have fun, you know, we play with Barbies, and watch Encanto on repeat. And, you know, we don’t talk about Bruno, that’s for sure. You know, I feel like talking about being a non-binary parent is just talking about being a parent.
You know, we had an issue with our childcare center, where there was a book about a trans parent on the shelves of their preschool classroom. It wasn’t being used in curriculum, it was just there available for kids. And I believe five to seven families left the school because that book was there. That broke my heart.
But what really empowered me was the school’s response. They didn’t pull the book, they didn’t try to placate the families, they said, okay, then this isn’t the school for you. And they took the potential financial hit. And for the next… her teachers are still wearing Pride shirts, every chance they get. And there was, this is this is my example of excellent, awkward allyship.
So while this was going down, and we were not in the middle of it, but kind of like, I’m the Trans parent of the of the school.
Ayelet: Accidental mascot, right.
Imperfect Allyship: Start Somewhere, Keep Learning
Mason: And here I am. So I went to pick my daughter up. And one of the other parents from my daughter’s class came up to me and was like, I just want you to know that we are so glad that you all are here and that we’ve got your back, we’re here for you.
It was just so awkward, because it was like the first time we’d ever talked. But it was also so sweet. Right? And then afterwards, we were at our cars. And she was like, I’m sorry, that was really awkward. I just needed to say something, but didn’t know how. So I just said something. And I was like, it’s all good. You know, was it the perfect way to approach it? No, but she said something.
She said, I see you. I support you. I’m here for you. You have allies in this community. That’s huge. Yeah. Did she do it perfectly? No. You know, but she did it. And she did it well, and that’s what matters is that we take those little steps that are kind of scary. Yeah, she was nervous about having that conversation with me because she didn’t know how to, but she did it.
And that’s my message: it’s that you don’t have to know what you’re doing. And you don’t have to do it perfectly. And if someone gets upset with you for not doing it perfectly, that’s their problem, not yours. And that’s okay. It’s ok for trans people to be upset when someone does something wrong. But it’s not, in my mind, it’s not okay to hate people for learning and for trying to do better.
Ayelet: I mean, there’s space for all of it. Right? There’s space for restoring justice. There’s space for reparing harm. And I think… it’s so interesting, Mason, because the more deeply my own personal relationship is with allyship, with work to uphold and support and be a presence for any marginalized identity that is not my own, you know, you realize so I realized so much more deeply about how this is really about acknowledging when we don’t get it right, and getting better at that. And we live in a society that reveres and upholds perfectionism. And just that harms all of us because it cannot… we get stuck in our own stuff.
Mason: Yeah, we get in our heads about it.
Ayelet: We get in our heads, we suffer from imposter syndrome we have so much it hurts us all within any kind of arena of our lives. Whether it’s our professional lives, whether it’s our personal lives. But the more that we can get prepared to sit in that discomfort, whether it’s about our own selves, or about supporting others and being there for our community and members of our community, however imperfectly, that’s the whole point. Right?
Mason: One of the biggest things that I teach and advocate for is how to mess up. It’s not, you’re not going to get it perfect. I don’t get it perfect. I have friends whose pronouns I’m still working on zhe/zher is really hard for me. I’m learning, I’m doing better. I do better every day.
When I mess up, I correct myself, move forward, don’t make a big deal out of it. And I repeat it in my head three sentences using pronouns correctly, to help embed that in my brain. And when I mess up in my head talking to myself about this person, I correct myself. Because I’m doing the work to do better. And, you know, that’s all we can do is work to do a little bit better every day.
Ayelet: So on that note, what are some of the things that you feel like are important for families to start to consider when it comes to supporting their own children or their own selves as they start to build awareness about their own gender identities?
Mason: As we well know, as parents, gender is so ingrained in everything, there’s a boy section and a girl section in the toy aisle. There’s boys clothes and girls clothes. And while I understand that, in some instances, styles are different for the general boy category or the general girl category, why, why are Batman toys for boys? Yeah, you know, I was very lucky in how I was raised in that my parents encouraged me to play with whatever I wanted to play with, which was generally a large stick or Legos.
All Children Are Figuring Out Their Gender Identity
When I did play with dolls, it was with my sisters, and we were on the Oregon Trail, and I was the adventure guide. I was given space to play with what I wanted to play with how I wanted to play with it. And that is huge. In regards to a child who is who is figuring out their gender identity, which all kids are, whether their gender identity aligns with their sex assigned at birth or not.
So giving that kid space to play with what they want to play with, and not say that’s a girl toy, or that’s a boy toy, and working to negate the voices that your child will hear outside of the home that say that’s not appropriate for your gender. And I believe just having those conversations and being open to those conversations. And if your kid asks a question that you don’t know the answer to, even if they’re like two or three, which is when gender identity is typically starting to be formed, say, You know what, I don’t know! Let’s look it up together.
And that teaches good research skills, that teaches that, you know, I’m not perfect, I don’t know everything. Or, you know, my friend, Mason might have the answer for that. Let’s ask Mason. And that’s a great space to start. Yeah, you know, I want to… I want to be a resource, because I am constantly learning and I love learning about this. And I have to learn about this, because it’s my lived experience.
It’s easy as a person who doesn’t live this experience to never think about it. And that’s where potential harm comes in. Because according to recent Pew Research, seven point something percent of the United States population identifies as LGBTQ. Now, that might seem small, but think about 8% of your community. If you have 100 people in your community, that’s eight people.
So in my community that I grew up in, which has a population of 5000, where we know everyone, that’s a lot of people, I’m not going to try the math on that, because I’m not going to try the math on that. But, you know, that’s a lot of people!
Ayelet: Right, that’s more people than actually feel safe, or acknowledged or…
Mason: Exactly, that’s just people who are willing to put on a form that that’s how they identify. Statistically, estimates have been, given that, the guess is that 10% identify as LGBTQ. We’ll see in the future, if that statistic gets blown out of the water or not, it’s higher than it was even a year ago. You know, we look at Gen Z, and whatever the generation after that is, and wow!
There was a marketing research brief done in Great Britain a while ago, that less than half… Okay, so there’s the Kinsey scale, which zero is exclusively heterosexual, like, I am not attracted to the same gender ever at all, in the least, what? No. And then there’s a six, which is I am only attracted to the same gender, never any other gender, ew. And so the numbers between fall, you know, 12345 are kind of in the middle.
And this research brief, marketing research brief showed that less than half of British Millennials identified as a zero, as exclusively heterosexual. Now, most of them identified as a one or a two, which is mostly heterosexual, but they didn’t identify as a zero. They were open to the concept of being attracted to someone of the same gender. That’s a huge mindset shift that has happened in the last 15 to 20 years.
You know, that has happened in my lifetime. It’s been 20 years since I graduated from high school, which is super weird to say. And what has changed since I was in high school is ridiculous. I mean, the internet has brought information to everywhere that wasn’t there before. You know, I didn’t know that transgender men existed when I was growing up. I didn’t know that it was an option, right? And now due to the internet, like Yeah, kids know, right. And kids know who they are.
Ayelet: And they have the language for it!
Having – And Using – the Language Helps Everyone, Even When it’s Uncomfortable
Mason: Exactly. I didn’t have the language to say no, I don’t… I knew I didn’t fit, but I didn’t know what didn’t fit. I didn’t have the space to create space for myself to be who I am until I went away to the “big city” of Columbia. There’s like 100,000 people here, but it’s, you know, it’s huge in comparison to where I grew up. And you know, as I work on my business, and as I work on wanting to reach Midwesterners, who don’t know anything, but know they don’t want kids to die.
I didn’t escape from Shelby County, Missouri. I didn’t run away from home. I wasn’t exiled either. Nobody forced me to leave. I chose to leave to create space for my own self, and I choose to stay because I need that community. Do I wish I could move back home? Honestly, yes. Every time I go home, every time I set foot on the farm, I get tears in my eyes because it’s so hard to live elsewhere. And I know that ultimately, that’s not where I belong right now. Maybe someday I will, but right now it’s not.
And it’s heartbreaking for me. And I think that’s something that when we talk to people on the coasts who aren’t familiar with the Midwest and paint, you know, rural Missouri with a certain paintbrush… That’s not accurate. It’s not a bunch of backwoods homophobes who don’t know anything.
They’re a bunch of good, hardworking, honest, open, compassionate people who don’t know anything. And it’s not their fault that they don’t know anything. They haven’t been told they haven’t been exposed. I mean, some of my biggest advocates and allies are farmers in Shelby County, Missouri. That’s the fact of it.
Ayelet: Well, I mean, that again, it all comes back to creating space for education and creating space for learning.
Mason: Exactly.
Ayelet: And creating space to be uncomfortable in that process of learning.
Mason: Yeah, you know, I don’t care if people agree with my sexual orientation or gender identity. I really don’t. Yeah, I care if they treat me with respect and love and try to do better. That’s what matters to me. I don’t care what you believe or how you vote or what church you go to. That’s, that’s on you. That’s between you in the ballot box or you and God.
What matters is how you treat me as an individual. And what matters is how you treat people like me and kids like me. Having one safe adult in a kid’s life reduces suicidality by 40%. According to research from the Trevor Project: one person, one person who treats them with respect and gives them a safe place to exist, that’s massive, that’s an impact that you can have as a parent, as a provider, as a professional, you can be that safe person, and that can literally save a kid’s life. Whoa.
How Can We Create Inclusive, Supportive Community For LGBTQ and Questioning Folks?
Ayelet: Okay, so let’s move into that. So what are some tips that you have, Mason, for parents, caregivers, and educator types who want to create an inclusive, supportive community for young children, including those who may be questioning their gender or sexual identities or who have already identified outside of the binary or cisgendered identity.
Mason: Give them the space they need to explore and figure out who they are and what they enjoy. If you have parents who are LGBTQ and your child’s caregiver and Mother’s Day is coming ask how they do Mother’s and Father’s Day. Chances are, they have a plan already. And you can ask! That was a really cool moment when my my daughter started childcare in early May. And then like Mother’s Day was like, immediately.
They just came to us and said, Hey, how do you want us to do Mother’s Day? And you know, we’d already talked about it, Hillary gets Mother’s Day, I get Father’s Day, we’ve renamed it Baba’s Day. And and that’s how we roll. And most families have a plan. And that’s okay. You can just ask, if you’re ever unsure of anything, you know, you can just go to the person in question and say, Hey, even if they’re a kid, maybe, especially if they’re a kid. Hey, does this word hurt you when I use it? Would you like me to use a different word instead? What words do you like to have used for you? Asking those questions and getting curious is great.
If you’re the parent of a child, who seems to be cisgender, and they have questions, let them ask the questions. Like legit, let’s hop on a call. And I’ll talk to them and just say, hey, yeah, this is this is who I am. Because we all dread that moment of, “why is that boy wearing a dress?” as loud as possible in the grocery store. Although that happens less because everybody gets delivery now, because COVID.
But you know, we dread that moment as parents, when is my kid gonna point out someone who is different from themselves and ask a very loud question. Most people, whether it’s in regards to ability or gender, are open to having the conversation with a kid, because a kid’s just learning and making sense of the world around themself.
So don’t be afraid of the questions. If you don’t know the answer. Just admit you don’t have it and say, You know what, let’s look it up. Let’s find someone who might know the answer. There are some really great YouTube channels that are geared for kids that cover the basics in a kid friendly way, which is awesome.
Resources and Tips to Create Inclusion and A Supportive Community: Start the Conversation into the Wild World of Gender Identity
Ayelet: Yeah. Well, we’ll want some of those resources that you mentioned. That’s great. That’s great. Do you have any other thoughts or tips for how to create that inclusive or supportive community for little ones?
Mason: Ask the adults in their lives’ pronouns. Ask for their pronouns. If you see a kid who seems to be expressing their gender differently than what was assigned at birth, let them and ask them questions about… not leading questions. If a kid comes to you and says, I’m not a girl, I’m a boy… believe them. And if they change their mind, great. If they don’t, they were given permission to exist and be who they are in that space at that time.
As kids get older and want to physically transition and you know, medically transition, take hormones, have surgery, whatever. That’s when things get a little more complicated. But when they’re littles What’s it hurt to let your son wear a dress? There might be people who don’t understand and your kid might deal a little bit with that, but how much more hurtful is it for you to be the one to tell them not to.
Explaining the consequences of a decision is different from saying no, you can’t do that. Saying most boys don’t wear dresses, but it’s totally okay if you want to. I just want you to know that some people may not be nice about it. That’s an okay conversation to have with your kid. That’s informing them that you know, their decision, their comfort might be at the expense of some other people’s but they can still be who they are. Yeah.
And let them make that decision, because kids are so much more aware than we, we know. My daughter’s friends will come up to me and be like, Are you a boy or girl? And I’ll say, Well, I’m, I’m kind of both, and they’ll go, okay, and skip away and play. They don’t have these preconceived notions that we do as adults. And we need to allow them to continue to not have those preconceived notions.
Ayelet: They’re asking that question, because they are noticing something that they haven’t seen before. They’re noticing something that doesn’t fit into the categories that they’ve been taught. And again, it’s that they’ve been taught, right? It’s not “that exists,” it’s just that the idea is that we think about gender as a binary. And we know from all kinds of examples in science that it’s not.
So again, just really driving home the idea that like, that’s how, often, we talk about it, but it’s not actually that easy. Just like, like the good guys and bad guys conversation. Right? I liked to have that with my kiddos when they were both sort of starting in that I guess around three, like, Oh, is he good? He’s a good guy, or they’re a bad guy, or blah, blah, blah. Right. And and my answer would always be well, there’s actually…
Mason: They’re doing bad things!
Ayelet: Yeah, right. Exactly. They’re just a human who’s making some choices. And so it’s always about the reframe.
Mason: Exactly. It’s been really amazing, because that one experience at childcare where some families left because of a book is the only negative experience I’ve had, and it wasn’t even directly related to me.
Ayelet: Right. It happened to be that that was, that you were…
Mason: I happened to be that I was a parent at that school as well. Yeah, they would have left whether I was there or not. And living in relatively rural Central Missouri for that to be the only negative experience I’ve had, shows that you know, people aren’t jerks. They just don’t know. And that’s okay.
Ayelet: It’s the attempt to learn is the key.
Mason: Exactly. Yeah, putting in the effort. And you know, it doesn’t have to be an overnight shift. Baby steps are allowed. If all you take away from this interview is a thought of, huh, that’s different…Then I’ve done my work. That’s my goal.
Ayelet: Starting with conversation.
Mason: Starting the conversation being an approachable entryway into the wild world of gender diversity.
Ayelet: I love that. Mason, what are some of your favorite resources to share with families or with helping professionals who want to support others who are questioning who are coming out, I know that you have an amazing resource that you’ve created. And I’d love to hear some of the others that you, at least that you enjoy sharing.
Mason: So listen, GLSEN is for educators and parents of school aged children – so elementary, middle, and high school. So they have some amazing resources, PFLAG Parents and Family of Lesbians and Gays, they have great resources, they have support groups across the country. You’re allowed to feel your feelings. If your child is transitioning, that’s totally okay.
Give yourself the space to do that in a safe, compassionate space, which is often parents groups, whether they are PFLAG, or through a local LGBTQ center or online, you know, find the support you need. And you know, I’m in a Facebook group with a bunch of parents of trans kids. And it is the most beautiful thing in the world to see these parents navigating their kids coming out at 4, 5, 6, 36, 46. And these parents are just trying to find their way through it.
They’ve got each other for support. And it’s beautiful. And goodness, there are so many. I have a compassionate coming out guide that you can get at aidedcollective.com and click on… I forget what I have it as right now. I’m redoing my website. So I think it’s under Support. It’s Masonaid.VIPmembervault.com is the direct link. It’s a little complicated.
A Compassionate Coming Out Guide
Ayelet: But if you go to aidedcollective.com and search for the Compassionate Coming Out Guide, you can find that.
Mason: Yes, awesome. And it has resources and tips and how to respond and how to deal with how you might be feeling if a kid or family member comes out to you. You know, because that’s honestly that’s a big honor. If someone trusts you, to come out to you, that says a lot about who you are and how comfortable they are with you. Even if it’s scary for them, they did it. They spoke their truth with you.
How you respond establishes that relationship for the future. And you don’t have to throw a rainbow cake parade to be a positive response. You have to say, Okay, this is all new to me. You know, I’m going to have to learn some, but I’m going to do the work to learn and know better. How can I support you? You don’t have to know all the answers. You don’t have to know all the lingo. You’re not going to I still don’t and that’s okay.
Trevorproject.com is a great resource for mental health in the LGBT community. They have some amazing research briefs as well as they provide suicide hotlines for trans and LGBTQ teens. So they’re a phenomenal resource. And then follow me and I’ll be sharing resources as I find them. I’ve got a picture books list. I’m working on a juvenile and young adult list of you know, because books are so powerful in having those conversations with your kids.
You know, like the book Everywhere Babies doesn’t ever say a thing about LGBTQ inclusion. But there’s a pair of Mama’s in that book in a picture. And so that gives me the space to say, see, everyone’s family looks a little different. Isn’t that cool? You’ve got a mama and Baba, they’ve got a mommy and daddy. They live with their grandparents.
That’s a way to foster that conversation without it having to be a… so, kid. We’re gonna talk about sexual orientation and gender identity in America. By the way, you’re three. You know, you can just make it casual. And bring it up with a book.
Ayelet: Show that it exists!
Mason: Yeah, just let people know. Or if you have a friend with LGBTQ parents say, oh, yeah, they have two mommies. Isn’t that cool? You’re so lucky. You have a mommy and a daddy. And they’re so lucky. They have two mommies. And families all look different. But they’re all wonderful.
Ayelet: That’s awesome.
Mason: Good stuff.
Ayelet: It’s great stuff. Awesome, Mason, thank you so, so much for being here today and chatting through these topics with us. Where can people find you if they want to give you a follow?
Mason: Instagram is at aidedcollective, Facebook is also at aidedcollective. And then my website is aidedcollective.com.
Ayelet: So on brand.
Mason: Consistent and on brand. It’s so good. I am starting to blog regularly again soon and there will be a podcast coming in May or June.
Ayelet: Okay, all right, everybody. Stay tuned.
Mason: Stay tuned. That’s… I believe I’m calling it Midwest Pride.
Ayelet: Oh, exciting. Love it.
Mason: Because it’s a little gay, a little Midwest. I’m proud of being Midwestern. I’m proud of being LGBTQ. So, I’m pretty proud of that name.
Ayelet: Amazing. Amazing. Mason. Thank you so much.
Mason: Thank you. It’s been wonderful.
